Long emails are never good

So I've come to realize that when I open an email from my sister at work, and it's really very long, that's not usually a good thing. I got one like that when she told me my grandfather had lung cancer and didn't have much longer to live. See, the rest of my family lives in Connecticut, while I live in Georgia, thanks to the good old United States Air Force. So I'm always the last to hear it anyway, but hearing things in an email are much worse than hearing them in person; that's just my belief.

So this morning I open up an email from her that appears to be very long. After the usual "hi, how are you?" I get to the second paragraph. Apparently my dad, who has never taken very good care of himself, called my sister the other night. He had a physical on Friday and apparently had been having severe stomach pains for a long time. My dad does not go to the doctor, ever. he tries to play the martyr, and suffer in silence through whatever pain he may be in at the moment. Anyway, he had had a physical, and after telling the doctor of the ungodly pain in his stomach, the doctor felt around and decided that he wanted my dad to have an ultrasound this Friday coming up.

Now, for most people, this wouldn't be a big deal; it'd be like "ok, so what??" My grandfather died almost a year ago from lung cancer. My dad had been taking shitty care of himself up to that point, but after my grandfather died, he really seemed to go downhill. When I saw him at Christmas-time, he looked like a shell of himself. He'd lost lots of weight, wasn't eating, and just looked plain shitty. My sister says that he's lost more weight since then, and looks even worse. And being in nursing school, and having my father in law die of pancreatic cancer, and my grandfather of lung cancer, I think I pretty much know where this is headed.

Deep down in my heart, I think my dad is dying. I think he's on his way out and the only thing that's kept him around this long has been knowing that my grandmother needs him. But that can only get a person so far. If you don't want to live, you don't want to live...period. My dad pretty much hasn't cared since he & my mom got divorced 24 years ago. He still loves her, and will, til the day he dies. He's never had another girlfriend, says he's happy with things the way they are. He has my 2 daughters and my sister's daughter, and that's all he needs. But I don't think even his grandchildren or his very own children will be enough for much longer.

And my sister said the same thing to me in her email; she thinks it's something serious, even though we have no proof yet. And she echoed my very thoughts, too: I'm not ready to let him go yet. I've lost people in my life, most recently my grandfather. But this is my FATHER. I'm 34 years old, I'm not supposed to lose my dad. We have never been overly close, not as close as my sister & he have been, we've had our "issues", but he's my dad, and I love him. And I don't want him to go. I know if you're reading this, you're saying "chill out, you know nothing yet, just calm down & wait" But when you know something deep down in your heart, you just know it. And I'm just at a loss, that's pretty much the only way I can sum it up. And when/if we get confirmation, I'll have to tell my daughters. My niece is only 6 months old, so she won't even know my dad, unfortunately. My kids are 14 & 11. They just lost their great-grandfather not even a full year ago. This will kill them, pardon the pun.

Anyway, I'm done rambling now. I know no one actually reads this anyway, so it's more of a cathartic thing for me.

Good Lord, it's been forever since I've posted, hasn't it??

Well, here I am, aren't you all happy?! :) I have been so freaken busy in school it's not even funny. That and the fact that I have a 14 year old & an 11 year old who are so freaken moody and hormonal it's not even funny, either. I swear, I was NOT like that, I wasn't!! I was a good girl, all the way through my teen years. I'm sure my mom would tell you a different story, but don't believe her, she's a liar! Well, my man's home! He actually came home the middle of January. I know, most of you reading this will say "damn, that wasn't long at all" and you're right, it wasn't long compared to the amount of time some people spend over there. But it was waaaay tooooo long for me & the girls. I missed him a lot. Of course, now he's back to his driving me insane, but hey, at least he's here to drive me insane, right?! And here is a picture of the world's most beautiful 6 month old, AKA my niece Sophia Grace. She lives in CT with my sister and her husband and the rest of my family; I don't get to see her much. I've actually only seen her twice since she's been born, but I love her to pieces!!!

Yeah, so it's been awhile..........

since I've actually written something. And I really have no excuses or reasons why, I'm just lazy, plain & simple!

So it's the new year....yippee!! And once again I have the same resolution I've had for about oh, my entire life: lose some damn weight. So far, I haven't actually done too well on that resolution. I just get so discouraged when I can't seem to do a simple thing like stick to an exercise & diet plan. Granted, by the time I get home from class, make dinner, get the kids all ready for school the next day, and get them in bed, it's like 9:30 and I have absolutely no energy to exercise; all I wanna do it go to bed. And it doesn't really help that I eat like shit all through the day, either. I start the day off with a coffee, drink a few diet sodas at school, eat something that probably has about 60 grams of fat at school, come home and sit on my arse and study. Not really conducive to getting in shape. I just really wanted to look better when Dave came home and it's pretty apparent that ain't gonna happen. Sometimes I feel like that 15 year old with anorexia again; it just feels like I've never been able to conquer that demon inside of me. No matter how thin I've ever been, I've been fighting that demon inside of me. Now that I'm a bit larger again, nothing's changed, I long to be pretty & skinny and to like myself for who I am. Anyway, enough Freud talk for one day!

Another do-able resolution I have is to study harder and do better this quarter in school. And I've been able to keep that one pretty well. (Yes, I *am* on the computer now, but I'm just taking a "break" LOL) I just want to get a better GPA this quarter. I only got a 3.0 last quarter, which brought my cumulative GPA down to a 3.61. Now I know that's pretty good, but for this over-achiever, it's not quite good enough. You know, maybe I need something more than Zoloft, since I'm still just as OCD about school as ever! ;o)

Well, I am now off to study, study, study. Who new the cardiovascular system was so important?! ;o)

Is that a helicopter behind you or are you just glad to see me??

Yep, in case you couldn't tell, it's been awhile since I've gotten any! LOL This picture of my husband just really turned me on! He looks so cute just standing there against the helicopter. But Dave, how many freaken times have I told you that you don't need to wear your sunglasses when it's cloudy out....it makes you look like a dork! But luckily, the hotness factor of the picture makes up for the dorkiness of the sunglasses!

Just another FYI>>>>>>>>>>>

I was putting up some Christmas lights in the girls' bedrooms. They each have a metal bunkbed/loftbed type of thing, so I was wrapping the lights around the frame. As I was trying to pull the lights through, one of them smashed and broke. Oh yeah, before I started wrapping them, I plugged them in to make sure they worked. (This is a critical factor in the Michele is an idiot story) So I see that the light is broken, and that the little wire thingies inside the light are sticking out. So I try to pull that bulb out so I can just replace it with another one from another set. I pull & pull, and it wouldn't budge. So Miss 3.86 GPA decides she'll use her mouth to pull off the light.

Remember waaaay back in science class when you were taught to ALWAYS unplug something before trying to play around with it??? Well, there's a very good reason for that. See, when you try to pull something off that has an electrical current running through it with your teeth, the 2 little pieces of wire that are inside the light will make electrical cotact with your lip. Your bottom lip, to be exact. And a huge snapping noise followed by a zapping noise, followed by a rather large spark, followed by a very bad word will then occur.

So yes, I managed to semi-electrocute myself tonight. The damn wires actually burned my lip like instantaneously. I now have a fat lip, with a rather large blister on it. And let's just say that I won't be needing any lipstick on my bottom lip anytime in the near future, because it looks like it'll be a very nice shade of pinkish red for awhile LOL

So let this be a lesson to you all, don't be an idiot, always unplug things BEFORE putting them in your mouth!

Just an FYI.......

Washing machines will actually still run if you're an idiot and forget to actually close the cover. I was under the (wrong) assumption that they wouldn't run if they weren't closed. I was also under the (wrong) impression that I had enough brain cells to actually remember to close it when I wash clothes.

I threw my oh-so-lovely student nursing uniform in to the washer, then ran to Wal-Mart. I got back from Wal-Mart and there was water all over my floor, suds on the sides of the washer and the washer lid was up. So, either my friendly neighborhood poltergeist did it, or I'm a brain dead moron....which would be your guess?!

Men in uniform, why is that such a turn-on?!

So my honey sends me some pictures yesterday. I had been asking him to get someone to take a picture of him, since I hadn't seen him in almost a month, and I'd kinda like to! So, believe it or not, he actually listened to me and sent me a picture of him....complete with him in his DCUs (Desert Camoflage Uniform) AND a 9mm strapped to his leg! Holy hotness, Batman!! Yes, I'm sexually deprived, could you tell?!?!? But in all seriousness, it was so wonderful to *see* my husband. He's lost weight, I can tell. His pooch that he had before is all but gone and his face looks thinner. Guess the chow hall food ain't that great. I know it's only a picture, but it was so good to be able to see him. Of course, I had said that I was going to be one hot mama when he got back, too. Do you think I've managed to exercise one time since he's been gone??? That would be a no. So he's going to come back all buff & I'm still going to look like the fat, frumpy housewife I looked like when he left. Anyway, here's "the" picture!! And no, his face doesn't normally look like he's looking in a funhouse mirror, I think his camera's a bit messed up! lol

Blah.......

Yeah, I know, real original title, huh? That's just how I feel at the moment. I fell asleep for a little bit on the couch this afternoon and woke up with the absolute worst headache. That happens everytime I fall asleep on the couch...hmm, maybe the powers that be are trying to tell me that it's not necessary for me to put my fat ass in my ass groove and take a 40 minute nap when I haven't been doing anything all day! But my head is hurting me horrendously. I just want to go to bed and wake up in another day/time when I don't have a bitch of a headache.

And I guess I'm feeling rather sorry for myself at the moment too. Since Dave left, I've been really good with my emotions. I haven't cried at all since the day he left. Now, some might say that's probably not the best way to deal with things, but hey, this is me, the master hider of emotions. Plus, with school, I just don't have any time to just feel sad. But yesterday was my last day of school before Thanksgiving break and I don't go back til Monday. So I guess I have some time on my hands, and I just feel blah. I miss Dave terribly. I haven't talked to him since Sunday, and it's almost Thursday. I haven't gotten an email from him since Monday, and it's almost Thursday. I know he's not in a horrendously dangerous area, but he's still "over there" So, when I don't hear from him, I worry.

Then I start missing him when I see all these families out at the grocery store, shopping for their Thanksgiving dinner, I get mad, too. I want my husband to be here for Thanksgiving. I want us all to sit at the table, and do our dorky, but traditional, "I'm thankful for...." thing. But it'll just be me & the girls tomorrow. I love my children, so it's not like it's horrible, but Dave's seat will be empty. As it will at Christmas dinner at my mom's. It sucks that I live so far away from any family, too. I want to be like my sister, and just be able to hop in the car, and go to my Aunt's for dinner and see everybody. I miss my family and I miss my husband.

But then again, I feel like I really have no right to complain. 3-4 months is MUCH better than the year most Army wives have to put up with in terms of deployments. And he's on a secure base, so I know he's relatively safe. But I hate that he had to go, I hate that he had to go and be gone for both Turkey Day & Christmas. We've never spent either of those holidays apart, in the 11½ years we've been married.

And, I'm pms-ing so I'm sure that's why I'm feeling so damn sorry for myself these last few days. I did make some chocolate chip cookies and mailed them to Dave. I also bought a fake little 32 in. Xmas tree for him to put in his room, so he wouldn't feel too lonely. Knowing that that will make him happy makes me happier.

Anyway, I just took a nice slug of NyQuil, so my eyelids are drooping and I'm about ready pass out at the 'puter. So I'm off to bed.

Friends.......

I was just peruisng my old stomping grounds. It's a message board for SAHMs, although I'm not sure how many of us are actually at home anymore. We're either working part-time, full-time, going to school, what have you. Or, it could just be me, since I do have older kids, and I am at school. So in all honesty, I guess I'm not a SAHM anymore. But I still consider these woman some of my bestest friends. Someone mentioned the old board and the old girls, and it got me reminiscing......

I came to meet them when I had moved to Germany. I had just left my family and friends back in the States to follow the stud who looks so hot in a military uniform 4000 miles away. Being a military wife, I knew that was part of life. But it was hard, it sucked big-time. I missed everyone so much. I spent almost a year wallowing in my self pity: my life sucked, I was stuck at home with a 5 year old & a 3 year old while my husband worked all the time. Then, somehow, thankfully, I came across ivillage. And I happened upon the SAHMs board. I met such wonderful people there. I made friends with women who I know I will be friends with for a very long time to come. I found comfort, support, comraderie, just to name a few.

Then that board became no more, so we moved to a different place. Basically the same gals, just a different place. Still loved going there everyday, "talking" to everyone. Then that board also became no more. Yet once again, we moved to a new place. But I think at this time, we were all at different places in our lives. People had done things, said things, gone places, came back, never came back, etc. It's still a great place, just not as many of the "regulars" are there anymore. It's a bit slower than the original 2 boards, but it's still "us". We don't chat as much, we don't post as much, but we're still "us".

I miss all those old times though. It seems like everyone tends to grow apart, doesn't it? Well, maybe not everyone, but lots of people do. Friends, especially. And isn't it friends we need most in our lives, to keep us sane?? Sure, we have our husbands/signifcant others/kids, but we all need the sanity that a good friend can offer. I guess what I'm trying to say is that no matter how much I may/may not post on that board anymore, or how much we may/may not all talk, I still love those girls....if any of you are reading this, big smoochies to you!!!

I'm sad today.......

So today was D-day....Deployment Day. In all honesty, I'm not sure I've ever been this sad, or felt this empty in a long time. Yes, I know he's only going to be gone for 3-4 months, yes I know he's in the pansy-ass Air Force and the big, bad Army will be protecting the perimeters of the base, but he's still gone. He's still away from his family. And I still miss him terribly.

Dropping him off & saying goodbye to him today was one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do. Add to that, the fact that I also had a 13 & 10 year old who were pretty darn sad too, and it doesn't make for a pretty morning.

But I did get a call from him tonight. He had an 8 hour layover before his flight to _______ (Yes, I'm sure I could be put the name of the place, but I wouldn't be following good OPSEC then) Then he's not sure how long he's going to be there before the next leg of his trip. He did tell me that when they were in the first airport, while he & the other 20 or so people who were going with him were walking through the airport, people started clapping. Then, an older woman came up to him while he was eating, and told him that she was very proud of what the military was doing for our country. Then as he was waiting to board the plane, another gentleman came up to him and told him that he knew the media gave the military a bad rap, but that he wanted Dave to know that there were people out there who supported the troops and appreciated what they were doing. I can't even describe how proud Dave sounded when he told me that.

Anyway, the half a Klonopin I took is starting to kick in, so I'm outta here. See ya on the flip side ;o)