Long emails are never good

So I've come to realize that when I open an email from my sister at work, and it's really very long, that's not usually a good thing. I got one like that when she told me my grandfather had lung cancer and didn't have much longer to live. See, the rest of my family lives in Connecticut, while I live in Georgia, thanks to the good old United States Air Force. So I'm always the last to hear it anyway, but hearing things in an email are much worse than hearing them in person; that's just my belief.

So this morning I open up an email from her that appears to be very long. After the usual "hi, how are you?" I get to the second paragraph. Apparently my dad, who has never taken very good care of himself, called my sister the other night. He had a physical on Friday and apparently had been having severe stomach pains for a long time. My dad does not go to the doctor, ever. he tries to play the martyr, and suffer in silence through whatever pain he may be in at the moment. Anyway, he had had a physical, and after telling the doctor of the ungodly pain in his stomach, the doctor felt around and decided that he wanted my dad to have an ultrasound this Friday coming up.

Now, for most people, this wouldn't be a big deal; it'd be like "ok, so what??" My grandfather died almost a year ago from lung cancer. My dad had been taking shitty care of himself up to that point, but after my grandfather died, he really seemed to go downhill. When I saw him at Christmas-time, he looked like a shell of himself. He'd lost lots of weight, wasn't eating, and just looked plain shitty. My sister says that he's lost more weight since then, and looks even worse. And being in nursing school, and having my father in law die of pancreatic cancer, and my grandfather of lung cancer, I think I pretty much know where this is headed.

Deep down in my heart, I think my dad is dying. I think he's on his way out and the only thing that's kept him around this long has been knowing that my grandmother needs him. But that can only get a person so far. If you don't want to live, you don't want to live...period. My dad pretty much hasn't cared since he & my mom got divorced 24 years ago. He still loves her, and will, til the day he dies. He's never had another girlfriend, says he's happy with things the way they are. He has my 2 daughters and my sister's daughter, and that's all he needs. But I don't think even his grandchildren or his very own children will be enough for much longer.

And my sister said the same thing to me in her email; she thinks it's something serious, even though we have no proof yet. And she echoed my very thoughts, too: I'm not ready to let him go yet. I've lost people in my life, most recently my grandfather. But this is my FATHER. I'm 34 years old, I'm not supposed to lose my dad. We have never been overly close, not as close as my sister & he have been, we've had our "issues", but he's my dad, and I love him. And I don't want him to go. I know if you're reading this, you're saying "chill out, you know nothing yet, just calm down & wait" But when you know something deep down in your heart, you just know it. And I'm just at a loss, that's pretty much the only way I can sum it up. And when/if we get confirmation, I'll have to tell my daughters. My niece is only 6 months old, so she won't even know my dad, unfortunately. My kids are 14 & 11. They just lost their great-grandfather not even a full year ago. This will kill them, pardon the pun.

Anyway, I'm done rambling now. I know no one actually reads this anyway, so it's more of a cathartic thing for me.